Shut The Fuck Up And Stop Whining Before I Punch You In The Fucking Face (Vol.2)

In the first volume of Shut The Fuck Up And Stop Whining Before I Punch You In The Fucking Face, I discussed the importance of time management.  Reading it back, I have decided that I am unhappy with the use of the word volume, as in Volume 1 of Shut The Fuck Up And Stop Whining Before I Punch You In The Fucking Face. A more proper word, in my esteemed opinion, is installment.  However, I cannot change Volume 2 to Installment 2 because Volume 1 must remain Volume 1.  Due to my compulsive need for things to match up, I simply cannot have the words installment and volume scattered about in the same series.  I fully understand that I have the ability to go back and edit the first installment of Shut The Fuck Up And Stop Whining Before I Punch You In The Fucking Face. Replacing Volume 1 with Installment 1 would be really fucking easy.  But I am fucking lazy.  I don’t fucking feel like taking the 30 fucking seconds out of my day to make that correction, which raises the next topic of Shut The Fuck Up And Stop Whining Before I Punch You In The Fucking Face.

It could be said that laziness is a plague on society.  It is a plague of which I, begrudgingly admit, sometimes suffer from.  Laziness can be split into two categories.  The first category is Sporadic Laziness.  I feel that this type best describes me.  I feel that after a full five day work week of fucking working at work, working at home, working on shit on Saturday afternoons and binge drinking on Saturday evenings entitles me to a bit laziness on fucking Sunday.  If you, too,  fall under the category of Sporadic Laziness, and you find that others often bust your balls about lounging around one day out of the fucking week in you fucking panties, then do what I do.  Say, “Fuck off, you fucking fuck.”  Don’t stand for their incessant whining.  Don’t allow them to bark orders at you.  Crack open a beer, pour yourself some scotch or whatever the fuck it is that you like, and say, “Hey, bitch face!  Get the fuck out of my face before I punch you in the fucking kidney!”

The second category of laziness is Chronic Lack of Motivation, also known as Good For Nothing Lazy Ass Mother Fucker Syndrome.  Good For Nothing Lazy Ass Mother Fucker Syndrome can and does directly coincide with lack of time management skills.  If you can recall, I stated in the previous installment of Shut The Fuck Up And Stop Whining Before I Punch You In The Fucking Face that tardiness and absenteeism are harshly frowned upon.  When my plans are postponed or canceled due to Good For Nothing Lazy Ass Mother Fucker Syndrome, heads start rolling.  Horse heads.  People heads.  Heads.  Heads. Heads.  I’m totally “Queen of Hearts” gangsta like that.

The characteristics of category 2 laziness are as follows:

1.  You are too un-fucking-motivated to scratch your own ass.

Reading back, I noticed that in the second paragraph, I implied that I am only lazy one day out of the week, that day being Sunday.  In the first paragraph, I stated that I am too lazy to go back and replace Volume 1 for Installment 1, which blatantly disproves my statement in the second paragraph, for today is not Sunday, but Monday.  I am making mention of this because I know that some asshole is going to read this and say, “Hey, that Polythene Pam bitch is a fucking liar.”  To which I would have to reply, “Fuck you, cunt.  Who’s blog is this?”  And then a juvenile war of words would ensue, which I would ultimately claim victory… but at what expense?  At the expense of my TIME, that’s what.  I refuse to waste my partially nude lounging time on berating a fuck nut that doesn’t even deserve to see a big FUCK YOU from Polythene Pam burning a fucking hole through their computer screen.  And guess what?  I can be sporadically lazy or I can be a Good For Nothing Lazy Ass Mother Fucker all the live long day if I fucking feel like it because I’m on fucking vacation!  So shut the fuck up and stop whining and crying that I fucking lied to you before I punch you in the fucking face!

Shut The Fuck Up And Stop Whining Before I Punch You In Your Fucking Face (Vol.1)

Volume One

In today’s society, you will find a tremendous amount of stress cast upon your shoulders.  Often times, you may ask yourself, “How many burdens can one person carry?”  With the stresses of work, or lack there of, and family, this question is quite justified.  I know from personal experience, the trials and tribulations that life hurls at you.  For instance, as many are aware, I am currently suffering through a forced holiday.  I do not return to work until September.  My concern that I will not have sufficient beer money is troubling, at best.  As it is, I have had to ration my beer to a ridiculous, four cans of Miller Light per evening, excluding Fridays and Saturdays, which on those days, I average approximately how ever fucking many I want to fucking have, fuck you very much!

Volume One of Shut The Fuck Up And Stop Whining Before I Punch You In The Fucking Face explores the issue of time management.  Managing time is an important concept that eludes many.  One should think that since the invention of calendars, a person would easily balance their schedules by noting the event, appointment, or what have you, inside the little fucking square designated to the day and number which represent a fucking date.  It isn’t fucking rocket science.  Fuck Blackberries and electronic date organizers.  Those little fuckers are designed to piss people off and make shit confusing.  Go get your ass a damn pen or a pencil, even a crayon will do, and write the shit that is so fucking important to you down on the calendar.  Fuck,  you can prick your fucking finger and make a notation in blood for all I care.

Tardiness is absolutely unacceptable to me.  I could not give a shit less for your excuses unless you are dying or taking the initiative to stop by the fucking store to purchase beer.  If  I have plans to do something with you and you do not manage your time well, it ultimately affects me.  Why is that so fucking hard to understand?  The later you are, the more drunk I become, which really cuts the chances that I will be in a suitable state to mingle in public.  It’s a lose/lose situation, and it is all of your fucking fault.

To stand me up is highly dangerous.  Whether you forget to write our date down on the fucking calendar or you were under the mistaken impression that standing me up to do something with someone else would be more fun, you are going to find a severed horse head tucked in nice and snug at the foot of your bed.  I’m totally “God Father” gangsta like that.

If you would like to avoid as many complications in your life as possible, all you need to do is put some good time management skills to use.  If you do this, you can alleviate a large sum of the burdens that weigh on your weak, weak shoulders.  And remember, if all else fails, take a deep, relaxing breath and shut the fuck up and stop whining because I will punch you in your fucking face.